daily kaddish: for nanc on her yahrtzeit

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Today is Nancy Ring’s Yahrtzeit. She died at home after a long struggle with ovarian cancer.

Knowing that her death was coming, last spring I promised myself that when the day finally came that she was out of pain, I would play Kaddish for her. I thought about playing Kaddish for her for a year and a day, but I hadn’t made a decision about that. I still hadn’t played Kaddish five months later when I read Mira’s essay about Kaddish and then wrote my own in response, and I realized I had become emotionally backed up. That realization played a big part in my proposing this project to Mira.

Recording this Kaddish today on Nanc’s Yahrtzeit was difficult. This project has gone a long way toward helping both me and Mira heal from our grief, as we’ve each discussed elsewhere, and we hear from others about how it has helped them also. But I have not been through an entire year and a day of this ritual yet for Nanc, and although this is her Yahrtzeit, it’s not the Yahrtzeit of my actively grieving. I did not feel ready to let go of my grief.

Perhaps I will be ready when this project matures and Mira and I, along with those who have joined us here, have completed a full year and a day of mourning.

Perhaps we never do feel ready.

About erin

Erin Vang, PMP, BMus, MMus, is Owner and Principal Pragmatist of the consultancy Global Pragmatica LLC®, offering custom JMP scripting, localization program management, and facilitative leadership services. She is also an orchestral horn player who freelances in the San Francisco Bay Area and plays assorted brass for the celebrated dance bands Midnight Smørgåsbord and contraPtion. More about Erin…
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