{"id":4437,"date":"2012-08-18T01:46:38","date_gmt":"2012-08-18T08:46:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/216.92.17.21\/?p=4437"},"modified":"2012-08-18T01:46:38","modified_gmt":"2012-08-18T08:46:38","slug":"amy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/?p=4437","title":{"rendered":"oh amy, how could you \u2014 a kaddish for amy smith"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Amy in joy<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

My plan was that nobody else would die. \u00a0Ever. \u00a0My plan was to leave the death-and-dying biz to someone else; give someone else a turn. \u00a0My plan was that enough was enough. At least for this year. My plan was that only the elderly die, and that sometimes it’s a blessing and an end to pain.<\/p>\n

But this kind of pain comes to all ages. How could I have forgotten that? \u00a0It’d been some years since I’d had a friend with suicidal ideation. \u00a0One of them was successful at it. And one of them suddenly snapped out of it, just like that. Awoke from the nightmare, and there he was\u2014suddenly fully alive, vibrant, and whole. \u00a0With hope and joy in his heart instead of bitterness and despair. Finally.<\/p>\n

But not Amy.<\/p>\n

Yesterday she sent the terrible email. \u00a0Suicide note by email has the strange immediacy of someone hitting SEND and the word goes out, well, everywhere. \u00a0And hers began with an apology and said without flourish or beating around the bush simply that she was ‘gone.’ \u00a0And spoke about her pain and what she had done.<\/p>\n

Whatever she did\u2014she had already done it.<\/em><\/p>\n

We tried to find her. The police were slow. \u00a0Treated it as a ‘Missing Persons’ for a while. Facebook was slow (she’d posted an edited version of her email there)\u2014because of the privacy issues involved. \u00a0The whole planet felt slow. \u00a0But a few hours later she was found. By the CA Park Service. By the rocks at Stinson Beach.<\/p>\n

Amy was always meticulous. She was thorough. She got the job done. You could depend on her\u2014but she did it her way. Whatever the task was, she could stick to it. Those are the qualities it takes to get a PhD in Anthropology or any other subject, for that matter. \u00a0They were also the qualities it took to put on our conferences for the Society for the Anthropology of Consciousness. To keep up our mailing lists. To remind us when it was time to vote (or run for office). Remind us to submit abstracts to present at conferences. Remind us to register. \u00a0She was good at herding cats.<\/p>\n

Being meticulous is how Amy handled her own demise, too. \u00a0She was thorough. She made sure that these obligations were taken care of\u2014without letting on that that’s what she was doing. \u00a0This time, procrastination might have served her better. But Amy, when she set her mind to it, she got things done.<\/p>\n

She asked me to help put on next year’s spring conference\u2014and I agreed\u2014not to do it myself, but rather to help her with it. To do it together. But now I see, that wasn’t what she had in mind.<\/p>\n

Last week she asked me to get together. We live, after all, not that far from each other. But each date didn’t seem to work for her. She was going away on vacation, she said. She wanted to see me before she left. I wanted to see her after. Only looking back can I see the urgency in her words. I missed it at the time. I wonder if she would have talked or listened if we had had that time together.<\/p>\n

I would have told her about L who felt himself beyond hope, redemption, or any rehabilitation. He’d go to the Bridge, and the waters below the Golden Gate would open and invite him in. We kept a watch on him. Took turns bringing him food. \u00a0As long as that frig was full he wouldn’t be so wasteful as to jump into the icy water. \u00a0We kept him alive with a frig full of groceries. Perishables kept him from perishing. \u00a0One day at the bridge, when he looked down\u2014the waters below had shut their gate. He was no longer invited in. No longer welcome. And that was it\u2014after so many months, his suicidal episode was over. \u00a0He’d call us each year on the anniversary of that day. He was downright unrecognizable from the agony he had carried. He’d worked it out. Worked it through. Worked with it. Worked around it. I think the point may be that whatever it was, it worked.<\/p>\n

I wish I could have told Amy about L, his pain, and his ultimate survival. For if L could find his way out of the wilderness, even Palestine has a chance of finding peace.<\/p>\n

“I love you, honey!” Amy signed her penultimate message to me. However she may have meant that lovely salutation (formulaic or heartfelt), I’ll treasure it. I’ll keep it with me always. Thank you, Amy, for all your gifts. What can I say, but that you’re sorely missed.<\/p>\n

For Amy, with the beautiful smile\u2014a kaddish.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My plan was that nobody else would die. \u00a0Ever. \u00a0My plan was to leave the death-and-dying biz to someone else; give someone else a turn. \u00a0My plan was that enough was enough. At least for this year. My plan was that only the elderly die, and that sometimes it’s a blessing and an end to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[250,216],"tags":[1014,52,57,636,1015,1013,236],"class_list":["post-4437","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-essays","category-kaddish-in-two-part-harmony","tag-amy-smith","tag-death-and-dying","tag-grief","tag-loss","tag-society-for-the-anthropology-of-consciousness","tag-suicidal-ideation","tag-suicide"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4437","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4437"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4437\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4444,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4437\/revisions\/4444"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4437"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4437"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4437"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}