The funeral was so fast! \u00a0Her brother was leading people off to head for a gathering at the house, one last time. \u00a0One of the chapel people, said “Stop \u2014 we haven’t said a kaddish!” \u00a0Some of us had been waiting for a kaddish. \u00a0But he was adamant \u2014 she wouldn’t want a kaddish. \u00a0Just as her beloved, who now lay by her side forever, did not want a kaddish either.<\/p>\n
Someone slowed the process down. \u00a0One of the attendants, I believe. \u00a0Some of us wanted at least to wait for the coffin to be lowered into the grave. \u00a0Some of us wanted to put that ritual shovelful of dirt over her coffin. Why does that help us, do you suppose? \u00a0Is it just the finality of it all?<\/p>\n
The funeral slowed, which helped. \u00a0People spoke. \u00a0Even I spoke.<\/p>\n
She was nice to me, I said.<\/p>\n
She didn’t have to be nice to me. \u00a0I mean, he never was. \u00a0But maybe it was nothing personal. \u00a0She was nice to everyone.\u00a0Or maybe that’s what made her so special: she was nice to everyone. \u00a0Even me.<\/em><\/p>\n He really loved her. \u00a0With all his might. \u00a0It tortured him that he was so rough on her. \u00a0Rough on anyone else just didn’t matter \u2014 but rough on her, he couldn’t stand it. \u00a0But he couldn’t help himself either.<\/p>\n She was such an optimist! \u00a0Such a sunshine person. \u00a0Only a rare critical word. \u00a0Interested in everything, everything. Reinventing herself as her skills and life cycle shifted. \u00a0This brought her to the forefront of her field. \u00a0Group psychotherapy. And as her own health began to slow her down, did she stop? No, she shifted into higher gear.<\/p>\n What about all those elders in nursing homes, for example. \u00a0Couldn’t they profit from group psychotherapy? New problems. A new niche for her expertise. \u00a0She was an innovator, a mediator. \u00a0She was a belly dancer. \u00a0Yes, she loved to dance.<\/p>\n But she didn’t want a kaddish.<\/p>\n And I don’t blame her. \u00a0All that religious rigamarole \u2014 I can see her right in front of me scrunching up her face at it. \u00a0She didn’t curse. \u00a0But she displayed her disapproval.<\/p>\n And yet, the kaddish is for the rest of us, isn’t it?<\/p>\n Even we who agree with her. \u00a0I-don’t-need-no-stinkin-ritual kind of people. \u00a0Those of us who disdain religion. \u00a0But this is precisely what religion is for. \u00a0And finally, Hindy \u2014 who called yourself my step-mother, at least in later years \u2014 for you, HIndy, whose only photographs in the bedroom were of my kids \u2014 for you, Hindy, who stared at those grandchildren as if they were your very own as you lay dying \u2014 for you, Hindy a kaddish. \u00a0For you, and for all the other secret moments lost to history that you’ve taken with you into the grave. \u00a0A kaddish. \u00a0For you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The funeral was so fast! \u00a0Her brother was leading people off to head for a gathering at the house, one last time. \u00a0One of the chapel people, said “Stop \u2014 we haven’t said a kaddish!” \u00a0Some of us had been waiting for a kaddish. \u00a0But he was adamant \u2014 she wouldn’t want a kaddish. \u00a0Just…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[250,216],"tags":[52,178,470],"class_list":["post-3119","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-essays","category-kaddish-in-two-part-harmony","tag-death-and-dying","tag-life-cycle","tag-moms"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3119","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3119"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3119\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3120,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3119\/revisions\/3120"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3119"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3119"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beitmalkhut.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3119"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}